Chapter 1: Addressing Common Misconceptions

For the first two decades of my life, I was unaware of my disability, which led me to unknowingly offend my disabled friends. This experience has instilled in me a sense of patience for those who act with good intentions but may miss the point. Here are five important lessons I wish to share with those who do not have disabilities:

1. Engage with Me Directly

In public spaces, especially when I use a wheelchair, I often feel invisible. People tend to speak to my husband instead of addressing me directly. It’s disheartening to approach a counter only to have the staff look over my head as if I were not present. Sometimes, I have to initiate conversation myself. This behavior likely arises from a fear of being impolite by looking down at me. However, it’s crucial to understand that being in a wheelchair doesn’t mean I’m unapproachable.

2. Respect My Requests

Frequently, individuals act on what they think is helpful, even when I’ve made my needs clear. Recently, while sitting next to a stranger on a flight, she offered assistance after hearing about her mother’s broken leg. When I declined help to use the restroom, she rushed to hold the door open for me, inadvertently blocking my way. This well-meaning gesture became an obstacle rather than support, drawing unwanted attention to a routine activity.

3. I’m Not Your Source of Inspiration

The internet is filled with what many refer to as “inspiration porn,” where disabled individuals are turned into motivational symbols. For example, a story about a disabled child finishing last in a race might be deemed inspirational, but it often reduces the individual to a mere trope. I aim to live my life authentically, not as an inspiration for others.

4. Avoid Unwanted Suggestions

Suggestions like trying yoga or a specific diet to "cure" my disability are not only unhelpful but can also be frustrating. Although I appreciate the intent behind these recommendations, they do not address my reality. Instead of offering unsolicited advice, I would prefer to see efforts directed toward advocating for disability rights and enhancing accessibility in society.

5. It’s Acceptable Not to Relate

While finding common ground is a natural human tendency, it can be disheartening when non-disabled individuals seek to relate in an inauthentic manner. For instance, if I’m in a wheelchair, sharing a story about your childhood cast feels forced. It’s essential to recognize that my experience is different, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Rather than making my disability the focal point of our conversations, why not ask about my interests or passions, like my dog?

Understanding that we can appreciate differences without needing to normalize them fosters acceptance and openness. By acknowledging our lack of personal experience, we create room for those with disabilities to share their insights and feelings. I sometimes find it exhausting to educate others about these nuances, but I hope those I interact with become more considerate in their approaches to disabled individuals in their lives.

Ableism is pervasive, but it doesn’t have to remain so. My experiences serve as a testament to the potential for change.

The first video, "Things People With Disabilities Wish You Knew," discusses essential insights that can foster better communication and understanding between disabled individuals and those without disabilities.

The second video, "5 Phrases Disabled People Are Tired Of," highlights common phrases that can be frustrating for disabled individuals and suggests more respectful alternatives.