When Parenting Fails: The Harsh Reality of Re-Homing Kids
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Understanding the Reality of Re-Homing
In recent years, there have been troubling accounts of children being re-homed, a phenomenon that mirrors the abandonment of pets. After welcoming one of my sons into our family following a failed adoption, I was approached multiple times by individuals seeking to give away their children.
Our son was placed with us through a conventional adoption process that involved a thorough home study and assessments from social workers. Yet somehow, rumors spread that we would accept anyone's unwanted child. This was far from the truth, yet the narrative persisted.
During this period, I was employed as an adoption support worker and had connections with numerous adoptive and foster families, as well as individuals aspiring to adopt. The community was tight-knit, and information circulated quickly.
I received alarming offers, such as a woman intending to announce in church that she was giving away her pre-teen child to the first person willing to take them. Another call came from a family who no longer wished to parent a teenage son they had adopted from the U.S. One email detailed an eleven-year-old girl who was waiting for someone to take her, as her adoptive family no longer found her appealing.
I turned down all these offers, but the reality was that there was a legal process in place that allowed for children to be handed over with minimal oversight. Concerned for the welfare of these children, I reached out to social services.
In some instances, the social worker was already aware of the families involved and had concerns about the parents. Yet, often, these situations slip through the cracks.
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The Emotional Toll of Adoption Disruptions
Our family ultimately adopted several children who had undergone traumatic disruptions, including one who had experienced both a failed adoption and a re-homing facilitated through an online group. Each of these children carried their own trauma from being placed with parents who were initially deemed suitable but later proved unfit.
The sudden realization that one’s "forever" family is not permanent can shatter a fragile trust. Many of our children had already experienced multiple placements, leading to a cycle of goodbyes and loss.
It’s clear that some parents, despite appearing suitable during the home study process, are ill-equipped to handle the complexities of parenting children with histories of trauma. Some may intentionally push boundaries to test their parents’ commitment, creating an environment of chaos as a means of self-preservation.
We witnessed this behavior repeatedly. Some children would ask when they might have to move again, revealing an expectation of instability.
When parents struggle to cope, they sometimes choose to return children to the system from which they came. While this isn't ideal, it can be preferable to other, more harmful alternatives.
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The Dangers of Online Re-Homing
Years ago, online platforms like Facebook and Yahoo harbored groups aimed at assisting parents in finding new homes for their unwanted children. While some of these groups may still exist, they often operate under more discreet circumstances now.
Those seeking to adopt through these channels frequently did not undergo the necessary background checks or home studies. Unfortunately, some individuals had ulterior motives for wanting to "adopt."
I was reminded of this when a "Law and Order" episode surfaced on my feed, depicting a scenario where an adoptive parent unwittingly placed her son in dangerous situations with people involved in illicit activities.
The Power of Commitment
Recently, I received a message from one of my sons, who has faced numerous challenges due to trauma and developmental delays. Despite these struggles, our bond remains strong. We express our love for one another and confront his issues together, proving that I'm still present in his life.
While parenting can sometimes feel overwhelming, most of us find ways to maintain connections with our children, often relying on community resources for additional support.
In 2008, Nebraska enacted a "Safe Haven" law intended for parents to leave unwanted infants without penalty. However, the law’s vague wording led to the surrender of older children, revealing a significant gap in support services that pushed parents to such extremes.
Eventually, the law was revised to target only infants, emphasizing the need for proper resources for families facing difficulties.
The Long-Term Commitment of Parenthood
Choosing to be a parent—whether through birth, adoption, or another means—is a serious and enduring commitment. Unlike adult relationships, where individuals can separate for various reasons, abandoning a child is far more consequential.
Re-homing a child without due diligence is a grave violation of trust, especially when that child has looked to you for stability and care.
As I prepare for a visit from my youngest son this weekend, I recognize every moment we share as an opportunity to reinforce that I am here for him. The bond established through our family remains unbreakable.
While not every parent can sustain a connection with their child, the motives behind re-homing—especially when done with less care than one would apply to finding a new home for a pet—are deeply troubling.
Even if local laws seem to allow it, the practice is fundamentally wrong.
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