# Understanding Essential Qualities for a Healthy Relationship
Written on
Chapter 1 The Heart of Relationships
Recently, my partner and I responded to a domestic disturbance for the second time in just a week. As a young patrol officer, I had become familiar with the unfortunate patterns of domestic violence in our community. It was distressing to see individuals in emotional turmoil inflicting pain on those they love.
As we ascended the stairs, we could hear raised voices and stepped around a bag filled with discarded beer bottles. “Police department,” my partner announced while knocking on the door.
Inside, silence enveloped the room. The door eventually creaked open, revealing a young woman with tears streaming down her cheeks, smudging her mascara.
“Where is he?” my partner inquired. “He’s over there on the couch. He’s been drinking again, but he didn’t hit me,” she replied.
Thus began yet another investigation into domestic violence. Our role was to assess whether a crime had occurred and identify the primary aggressor, while also offering resources to the victim. In this instance, no crime had taken place—just a heated argument that had alarmed the neighbors. The boyfriend decided to leave and spend the night elsewhere.
We engaged the young woman in conversation, reviewed domestic violence information, and offered to connect her with crisis support services, which she declined. Before we departed, she made a poignant statement that has lingered in my mind:
“He makes me feel so bad about myself.”
Narcissism and Its Consequences
Narcissists often harbor a deep-seated fear of humiliation. While there are many qualities to seek in a partner, superficial traits like appearance and wealth often dominate our considerations.
American culture is captivated by looks, celebrity status, and financial success. This fascination leads to a constant stream of media focused on glamorous Hollywood figures, while deeper qualities like character are frequently overlooked.
The tumultuous personal lives of many celebrities, such as the publicized dispute between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard, serve as a reminder that even those who appear to have it all may struggle in their relationships. The courtroom footage revealed a series of explosive arguments and emotional turmoil, illustrating that fame does not shield one from relational dysfunction.
In his book "How to Love," author and psychiatrist Gordon Livingston highlights that narcissists are often unprepared to handle criticism, leading them to react defensively to any perceived disapproval. They possess an inflated sense of entitlement, believing the norms that govern others do not apply to them. Their preoccupation with fantasies of success and beauty can culminate in arrogant behavior, often at the expense of those around them.
The Rise of Selfishness in Modern Society
One might expect that high school education would include lessons on forming and maintaining healthy relationships. While sex education exists, guidance on choosing a life partner is scarce. Consequently, young people often rely on their families, peers, and media portrayals.
Those fortunate enough to have supportive parents may develop healthier patterns, but many children grow up in dysfunctional households. With around half of all marriages ending in divorce and media promoting misguided relationship values, it's no surprise that self-absorption is increasingly common.
Suzy Kassem, in her book "Rise Up and Salute the Sun," comments on this trend: “In the last 10 years, we have seen a rise in selfishness: selfies, self-absorbed people, superficiality, self-degradation, apathy, and self-destruction. So I challenge all of you to take initiative to change this programming. Instead of celebrating the ego, let’s flip the script and celebrate the heart.”
Throughout my twenty-six years in law enforcement, I observed numerous dysfunctional relationships across various demographics, with self-centeredness often being a prevalent theme.
The Importance of Kindness and Empathy
In "How to Love," Gordon Livingston observes that self-centered individuals may initially appear successful, as they often manipulate others to meet their needs. However, this behavior ultimately reveals a troubling lack of concern for others.
To cultivate happiness in our relationships, discernment is crucial. We must look beyond superficial characteristics such as appearance and wealth.
Two vital traits to seek in a partner are kindness and empathy. While initial interactions may showcase an idealized version of a person, small behaviors can reveal much. Observe how your partner treats service staff or whether they display road rage. Are they engaged with you or distracted by their phone?
Kind and empathetic individuals strive to understand others’ experiences. While attractiveness and financial stability have their merits, kindness and empathy are more reliable indicators of long-term happiness.
The most crucial inquiry to make about your partner is this: How does this person make me feel about myself?
Reflecting on the young woman in that apartment, who expressed, “He makes me feel so bad about myself,” I remember my partner's question, “Why do you stay?” Her response was, “Honestly, I don’t know.”
Everyone deserves better, and so do you. Although leaving a dysfunctional relationship can be complex, with support from friends, family, and professionals, it is achievable.
Seek kindness and empathy in your partner, and evaluate whether they uplift or diminish your self-worth. Life is too brief to remain in unhappiness.
Before You Go
I’m John P. Weiss. I enjoy creating cartoons, painting, capturing black-and-white photographs, and writing thoughtful essays about life. Discover more through The Saturday Letter.