Chapter 1: Understanding Emotional Dependence

Have you ever heard someone say, "My husband is my everything!"?

Such expressions of devotion are common, and I encounter them frequently in my practice. The underlying fear of losing a partner—who represents a source of emotional and practical support—often masks a deeper issue. This isn’t merely a tale of love; it's more about emotional and sometimes financial reliance.

Admitting dependency can be challenging for many women, leading to self-doubt and intense fear. The thought of losing a partner can feel like losing everything: care, attention, emotional support, and even financial stability. When all of one’s needs are met by a single individual, it creates an overwhelming sense of vulnerability.

This dynamic can be likened to putting all your eggs in one basket, which inevitably leads to anxiety and apprehension. Women may feel compelled to safeguard this "basket" as if it were a precious item. However, we must be candid in recognizing that this fear and emotional reliance should not be mistaken for love.

Fear can compel a woman to remain in a state of discomfort, enduring situations she shouldn’t have to, all in an effort to appease her partner. This constant tension can strip away her happiness, leaving her feeling unfulfilled and overly accommodating, ultimately rendering her less interesting.

What is the impact on the man in this scenario?

He can sense this dynamic, often feeling that the woman’s affection is rooted in fear rather than genuine love. While love may exist, the overpowering nature of fear—linked to survival instincts—can overshadow it. A man may become aware that he is fulfilling all of a woman’s needs, leading to a lack of interest in the relationship.

This imbalance creates a significant disconnect; he is providing everything while she offers little in return. What he seeks is a partner who admires him, loves him, cares for him, and brings joy to their relationship. A woman who is emotionally dependent may struggle to provide these essential qualities, as fear breeds self-doubt and diminishes happiness.

In such dynamics, the equilibrium is off-kilter. Men may find themselves easily drawn to other women, seeking love rather than mere dependency. A common sentiment expressed by men in therapy is that they believe their wives will always stay, regardless of the circumstances.

While wives may claim to love their partners and threaten to leave, many admit privately that they have no intention of doing so, as they fear losing the support they rely on.

Women often come to me seeking advice on how to salvage their relationships, expressing fears that their feelings have faded or that they might lose their partner. In contrast, the men often feel secure and valued, leaving their partners to seek help on their own.

Yet, these consultations can lead to significant transformations. Women can emerge with newfound confidence, self-sufficiency, and a supportive network, learning to seek help outside of their primary relationship and reducing their dependency.

The first video, "Fear and Love" featuring Tara Brach, explores the intricate relationship between these two powerful emotions and how they shape our connections with others.

The second video, "Marianne Williamson on Love and Fear," delves into the profound impact of love and fear on our lives, highlighting how these emotions influence our actions and relationships.