Dodging the God Bullet

I never felt aligned with atheists, thinking that if the religious could not assert God's existence, then why should atheists claim the opposite? My comfort zone lay with agnostics—those who neither believe nor disbelieve, existing in a space of uncertainty. It became my go-to response: "If God shows up, you'll be the first to know." This approach allowed me to navigate conversations without ruffling feathers.

For years, I found no compelling reason to believe in a higher power.

The Void of Faith

I maintained this agnostic stance for quite some time, unaware that I was also experiencing what I now refer to as my "dark years." I didn't connect my beliefs with the struggles I faced during that time. I lived a bohemian lifestyle, filled with revelry, where fun was paramount. My job as a bartender was merely a continuation of the party.

While it seemed enjoyable at the time, looking back, it was exhausting. Days blurred together, and moments of daylight were overshadowed by the hangover of excess. Relationships felt hollow, often revolving solely around physical encounters—two lonely individuals seeking solace in distraction.

Substances like alcohol and drugs became my lifelines, offering brief escapes from despair. Eventually, I hit a wall where life felt utterly devoid of meaning. Thoughts of ending it all crept into my daily routine, and I felt lost.

A Shift in Perspective

I wish I could claim that I had a revelatory moment that turned my life around, but the reality was far more complex. It took years of soul-searching to understand where I had veered off course. Engaging with 12-step programs and introspective work was crucial in this process.

During this journey, I inadvertently began to pray. A recovery sponsor of mine often urged me to pray, regardless of my frustrations. His mantra was simple: "Did you pray about it?" Whether it was a breakup or job loss, prayer was his sole solution, and I grew resentful at his consistency.

One day, I decided to call his bluff. I committed to praying daily for a week, planning to confront him afterward with my disappointment. However, as the days passed, I found myself feeling unexpectedly better. It was a surprising shift.

Religion: The Last Barrier

I had been an altar boy in my youth but felt no desire to return to that role. My newfound inclination towards prayer sparked an internal conflict regarding organized religion. I was uncomfortable with doctrines that condemned individuals based on their love for others and the many scandals that plagued institutions.

I explored various faiths—Buddhism with its reincarnation concepts left me puzzled, Judaism felt overwhelming with its complexity, and Islam's teachings about rewards felt misaligned with my values. Ultimately, I recognized the issue lay with me; I was resistant to any singular belief system.

Crafting My Own Understanding of God

A friend in recovery encouraged me to embrace the literature from our program and create my own understanding of God. Initially, this idea seemed ludicrous. The thought of defining my beliefs felt foreign. However, my friend pointed out that I had already established a foundation: my belief that God loves everyone equally.

This realization was enlightening. I had indeed begun to shape my own understanding of the divine, even if I hadn't consciously acknowledged it before.

Final Reflections

Over time, my perception of God has evolved significantly. I now see consciousness as a divine spark, a means to connect with the omnipresent. If God resides within me, then that divine presence must exist in others as well.

A simple shift in perspective has dramatically improved my life. From darkness emerged light; despair transformed into hope. While I don’t expect anyone to take my word for it, I believe it’s crucial for each individual to explore and define their own beliefs. Too often, we inherit beliefs that don’t resonate with our true selves.

In conclusion, my journey has transformed God from a character in a story to a profound presence within my heart—a change that has made all the difference. I hope you embark on your own journey of discovery and find what resonates with your spirit.

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