Chapter 1: The Illusion of Freedom

There was a time when I felt truly liberated by alcohol. I vividly recall my 21st birthday, joyfully dancing in the streets with my closest friend as we made our way to the next bar. It was as if a switch had flipped inside me; for the first time, I felt alive, with everything around me enhanced. I moved my body freely, relishing the moment without any worries. I was genuinely having fun, unrestrained, and I craved to replicate that feeling night after night.

But, as time passed, that exhilarating sensation became elusive.

I frequented bars, and while my older colleagues enjoyed drinks, they weren’t inclined to dance along to the indie rock bands. They would sip their second pitcher and casually remark, "We’re not 21 anymore." I found their behavior dull, while they viewed my enthusiasm as adorable. Fast forward a couple of years, and I found myself in a similar position—sitting at a bar, reminiscing about that carefree spirit I once had, while watching younger women dance energetically. At just 23, I realized I had morphed into one of those patrons who simply sat and drank.

It no longer felt liberating, yet I was in denial.

As time went on, house parties became trendy again—more affordable and less complicated than bar outings. Did I enjoy those gatherings? Absolutely. Were there nights I couldn’t recall? Certainly. Did I experience emotional turmoil and shame over my drinking habits? Without a doubt. Yet, I refused to confront these feelings and instead believed there was something inherently wrong with me.

What had once brought me joy had become a snare. I found myself ensnared in a relentless search for that euphoric feeling, convinced it was still attainable if I just looked hard enough.

I chased it every time I drank, hoping to recapture that sense of fun and freedom.

This might sound like a classic case of alcoholism, yet I never considered myself one. I managed to keep my jobs, pay my bills, and drive my car. I would cut back when I felt I was losing control. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was deceiving myself.

Looking back on my drinking years, I see a decade filled with highs and lows—moments of celebration intertwined with deep self-loathing. It was exhilarating but also dark.

Then motherhood arrived, and my thirties became a whirlwind of parenting challenges.

Chapter 2: Mommy Wine Culture

In America, a culture has emerged where wine becomes a lifeline for many mothers. Amidst the chaos of parenting—tossed toys, spilled food, and the inevitable tears—wine offers a moment of respite. The stress levels soar during those early years, making it hard to unwind. The phrase "Mommy needs her wine" becomes a signal for kids to give their parents a breather.

I fell into this mentality, even opting for wine delivery services. It became socially acceptable to sip wine after work while cooking and dining. Once the bottle was opened, it was easy to justify finishing it. I sought that liberating feeling of my youth, yet I had no desire to dance in the streets anymore. My responsibilities as a parent took precedence, and I simply longed to feel calm and at peace.

My wine time became synonymous with relaxation—my attempt at achieving a zen-like state. I unapologetically kept a glass nearby from 5 PM to 8 PM, and then it was time to tuck the kids in.

While I made that choice freely, I couldn’t shake the feeling of entrapment. I was aware that alcohol was confining me, but I didn’t know how to break free.

Chapter 3: The Pitcher Plant Analogy

Have you ever encountered a pitcher plant? It’s a carnivorous plant that entices insects with its sweet nectar, trapping them in a sticky grip from which they cannot escape. This aptly describes my relationship with alcohol. I felt caught in a cycle I couldn’t break.

Despite my disdain for how I felt—hungover, irritable, and bloated—I found it hard to stop. I attempted to limit my drinking to weekends, but one glass quickly turned into more. The restrictions I imposed were futile, mainly because I had no alternative activities to fill that void. After 15 years of habitual drinking, breaking free from those patterns proved daunting.

Chapter 4: A Moment of Clarity

The day I finally acknowledged my drinking problem remains vivid in my memory. Late at night, with a glass of wine in hand and the kids asleep, I found myself googling signs of alcoholism and nearby rehab centers. I stumbled upon a 21-day reset challenge online that intrigued me.

Though hesitant due to the cost, I recognized that my spending on wine had added up significantly. In a moment of spontaneity, I enrolled in the program, which prompted me to confront my drinking habits and explore my feelings about alcohol.

Through this journey, I learned about the true nature of alcohol and its effects on my body. I began to ask myself critical questions about my drinking habits and their impact on my life.

Participating in an online support group allowed me to connect with other women facing similar struggles. I realized the importance of discussing our experiences, as it fostered personal growth and understanding.

As I distanced myself from alcohol, I rediscovered the feeling of being truly alive—the same exhilaration I had felt dancing with my friend at 21. It became clear how much mental space alcohol had consumed in my life.

Once I committed to abstaining completely, a vast world of opportunities opened up before me. That sense of availability was liberating, and for the first time in years, I felt genuinely free.

Chapter 5: A New Beginning

If you're questioning your relationship with alcohol, I encourage you to explore available resources. If you suspect you might be an alcoholic, please seek professional help. Remember, you are not alone in this journey.

Above all, pursue the life you envision for yourself. Alcohol can obstruct your path, but freedom and joy are within reach.

The first video titled "Beartooth - I Have A Problem (Official)" reflects the struggles of recognizing one's relationship with alcohol, echoing themes of self-awareness and the quest for liberation.

The second video, "Ghost Town (Lyrics) (TikTok cover)," captures the essence of emotional release and the feeling of newfound freedom, resonating with anyone who has faced similar challenges.

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