Chapter 1: The Silent Struggle

Right now, I find myself in a situation that makes me wish I could remain quiet about my struggles.

I take a deep breath, trying to release the negative energy within me. Perhaps with my next inhale, I can invite some positivity into my life. It might just be wishful thinking, though.

“What’s truly wrong with my car? Give it to me straight,” I ask the mechanic. I know he views me as an easy target, assuming I’m clueless about my vehicle's issues and the potential costs. Unfortunately, he’s right. My car might as well be fueled by magic for all I understand about it. This topic is so far beyond my expertise that it feels like the wheel has detached from the vehicle altogether.

“Your CV axle needs replacing, ma’am, or you risk a serious accident. The part and labor together should run you about $400 to $500,” he informs me.

That news hits me like a ton of bricks. The idea of finding $500 for a part I’ve never heard of feels utterly impossible. I inquire how urgent the replacement is and how long I can delay it. He suggests I might be lucky enough to make it home without incident.

I do manage to get home, but I stay put for weeks—specifically two and a half weeks—because the last thing I want is to endanger myself in an accident due to my negligence. I plead with my employer to allow me to work from home, a request that gets flatly denied. Consequently, I lose my job, all because I have no reliable transportation. My car is like a loaded gun waiting for the wrong decision to trigger a disaster. I refuse to take that risk.

It’s been eight months since I had to call the police on my husband for the ongoing domestic violence I endured for nearly two decades. Recently, I’ve felt a sense of defeat creeping in as life throws its challenges my way. I finally landed a full-time job—though it wasn’t my dream job, it helped me manage my bills. For someone without formal education or extensive work history due to years of financial control, this was a significant achievement. I earned $340 per week after taxes, working 40 hours. Many would struggle to make ends meet on double that, yet somehow, I did. Still, I had nothing left to save for emergencies.

Then came the storm. A simple CV axle replacement has set off a chain reaction that threatens everything I've worked so hard to achieve as the sole provider for myself and my two children. My employer's decision to let me go was the match that ignited the flames. Now, all my efforts to gain stability seem to be crumbling around me, leaving me wondering what comes next.

If you’ve ever questioned why someone would remain in an abusive relationship for years, this narrative might provide some insight. With my husband in prison, I find myself completely alone—no child support, no assistance. While it’s possible to file for support, it just adds to the mounting debt he faces while incarcerated. Once released, he’ll be so far behind on payments that it’s likely he’ll end up back in jail for nonpayment, perpetuating the vicious cycle.

Reflecting on the past, I often wonder which reality is worse. Was it more challenging when I had a partner, however volatile, who shared the responsibility of caring for our children? Not every moment in an abusive relationship is terrible. If I think of it conservatively, perhaps 20% of my life was engulfed in domestic violence, while the remaining 80% provided a semblance of companionship, alleviating the burdens of bills and loneliness.

Despite my current struggles, I know I’m better off now. I’m alive, my children are no longer exposed to abuse, and I’m not constantly tiptoeing around. Yet, when progress feels elusive, it’s easy to romanticize the past, forgetting the true nature of those experiences.

I refuse to surrender to despair. My children deserve better, and I am determined to keep pushing forward in hopes of creating a brighter future for them. I’ve applied for several remote job opportunities, yearning for freedom from this unreliable 2004 Dodge Neon. I continue to persevere, like a diligent worker bee searching for a better life.

When I find it, I promise to share the journey with you.

Thank you for reading. If you appreciate my insights, please consider following or sharing my work.

Sincerely,

-Layla

Chapter 2: Insights from Experts

In order to further understand the complexities surrounding domestic violence, I recommend watching the following videos that provide valuable insights.

The first video, "Why Domestic Violence Victims Don't Leave," features Leslie Morgan Steiner discussing the psychological barriers that keep victims trapped in harmful relationships.

The second video, "Why Courts Don't Listen to Victims in Domestic Violence Cases," presented by a Washington State Attorney, examines the systemic issues that often silence victims in legal proceedings.