Chapter 1: The Feeling of Missing Out

Have you ever had that sense of missing an opportunity? Picture yourself drifting away on a makeshift raft, battling the waves as you try to catch up with that elusive boat.

As I sit outside, savoring my coffee and listening to the gentle patter of rain on the leaves, I am engulfed in a moment of serenity. The birds chirp melodiously around me, and I feel incredibly present, experiencing a whirlwind of emotions.

In this moment, I feel a wave of gratitude. An online friend of mine has received generous donations that allowed her to hire a lawyer to fight for custody of her three children. Her ex-husband, unfortunately, is abusive and is trying to take the kids away, not for genuine parental reasons, but to inflict pain on her.

She has successfully homeschooled her children, establishing a cooperative with several families that meets thrice a week. I wish I could share with you the images of those joyful boys thriving in their “school” environment. Having homeschooled myself, I understand the immense benefits it brings to a child's emotional and mental development. It’s truly uplifting to witness children learn and grow without the pressure to conform.

So yes, I feel grateful.

Yet, I also find myself feeling sad. A pity party is underway as I compare her journey to mine—our paths from trauma towards healing. I can’t help but feel a tinge of jealousy.

While she maintains a supportive community throughout her ordeal, I find myself starting anew, trying to build connections from scratch in a place where no one knows me.

The boat is drifting further away, and here I am, struggling against the tides to reboard. Although I dislike these emotions, I’ve learned that the only way to transcend them is to face them head-on. We can't avoid them; we must sit with our discomfort. I assure you, it won’t shatter you.

I remind myself that I’m still here, resilient.

I retreated inside to meditate, as stepping through doorways tends to refresh my mindset. I nestled back into bed, donned my headphones, and opened my heart to my Higher Power, seeking insight into my sadness and jealousy.

Why do people willingly endure uncomfortable emotions?

Even with the knowledge that it might hurt, I understand that this process fosters healing and draws me closer to my creator.

As I lay there, focusing solely on my breath, my mind transports me to a tranquil oceanfront, where waves gently lap at the shore, and there are two chairs awaiting a heartfelt conversation with God.

"I don’t enjoy feeling this way, God!" I expressed.

"I see how it troubles you," He replied. "Do you remember the gift I bestowed upon you?"

"Numerous gifts, Father. Which one do you mean?"

"The gift that enables you to uplift others."

"Oh, my talent for encouragement! Yes, I share it often. Am I not enough for myself?"

"You follow my guidance beautifully, but you neglect to utilize that gift for your own benefit. It was meant for you as well."

I realized what He meant. Since childhood, I've always had a knack for encouraging others, leaving little notes for classmates. However, I never turned that kindness inward.

Determined to see myself through divine eyes—if I could even grasp how He perceives—I chose to encourage myself. Standing in front of the mirror, I addressed that tired, sorrowful woman: "You can do this!"

"Starting from scratch is okay! Perhaps Medium is the soil where your seed can thrive. Watch it bloom into something magnificent!"

"You're enjoying this journey. Each day, you engage with others, learn, and express compassion and love. Let the financial worries rest with Me. Have I ever let you down?"

"You can do this, Billie. Release that boat; it wasn't meant for you. Pick up your paddles and let the waves guide you to your next adventure."

In this contest video, Modest Mouse shares an emotional narrative about feeling left behind, resonating with the journey of self-discovery and healing.

The official music video of "Missed the Boat" encapsulates themes of reflection and acceptance, perfectly aligning with the emotional journey described.

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